December 7, 2021
Hannah Edwar

I could hear the shower running. I knew that the bathroom was about to be flooded. I could hear water overflowing but I still couldn’t move. I was lying on my side on the living room floor in a state of complete fog clutching the carpet like it was my lifeline. My brain kept yelling at me to get up, just turn off the water if you can’t get yourself to shower and leave the house. But my body refused to react. There was this strange unexplainable peacefulness that came from ignoring the orders of my brain. I slowly reached for the phone and texted a friend. “I can’t get up,” I typed. “I need a reason, give me a reason. Talk me into getting up because I can’t move. I am in a darkness spiral and I need someone to give me a reason.” 

“Tell me what is on your mind at this moment, what are the thoughts running through your head.” my friend responded.

Tears streaming down my checks, “darkness.”

Despite the possibility of hope, of what may come or what good is in your life right now; all your brain can see is darkness. You’re incapable of seeing light; it’s not a choice, it won’t be cured with a vacation or a night out with friends. It is the utter inability to see or feel good. 

There will be mornings when you wake up with a fresh burst of energy, get some work done, maybe go out and even be the life of the party. But then, you retire to your bed, and you realise that you should have been an actress in a previous life with the show you just put on. And you feel utter despair at how absolutely none of it brought you any joy whatsoever.  

That paralyzing feeling of utter despair, that darkness that sucks hope out of your thoughts its got a name. Depression. Depression is a disease. Label it. Own it. It’s the only way you’ll have a fighting chance. You’re not alone. The moment you start talking about it, the more you’ll realise that more people you know have had their battle with a mental illness. 

Talk about suicide, let the thoughts making you feel unworthy, unloved, and broken, out. Validate those thoughts instead of shying away from them in shame. Believe yourself when you feel drained. Don’t blame it on work or stress or life. Give your voice an audience and make yourself heard. That’s the only way you’ll be able to fight the darkness. Acknowledge it and fight back. 

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